SATIRE: Untitled

My name is Pablo Estaasignaciónestonto (most just call me Tonto) and this is the story of how I came to America. I was born and raised in a dirt hut in the middle of Tijuana. It is the worst place on earth. My only enjoyment in life came from keeping my body physically fit and lifting weights. I could not afford expensive dumbbells, so I used white powder bricks, a common building material in Tijuana. I earned the nickname “The Titan of Tijuana” due to lifting the heavy bags. One day, as I was hard at work, a long lost friend rode into town on a donkey. He had a message for me: “Young Titan, I have laid eyes upon a land in which you can pursue a prosperous life and live your dreams. It is a land called… America.” After hearing this I knew my destiny was to follow my friend and fulfill my dream of becoming the world’s strongest man.

As I stood in line waiting for inspection before crossing the border, I decided rather than wasting my time, I would get part of my workout in for the day. I pulled my powder bricks out of my bag and worked my biceps. After 150 reps it was my turn for inspection. As the guard approached he reached out his hand asking about the white powder weights. ”That was the most amazing workout I have ever seen. I am very interested in learning about your program. Would you like to join me in my gym for a workout and a meal?” I asked the man about my need for credentials to which he laughed and said, “Nobody has tried to come here with credentials for at least five years! No need.”

We had a great workout in that ornate gym. I swear that place was built not for man, but for gods. That workout was one of the finest I had performed. Afterwards we had a good ol’ time eating tacos (I may not have started dirty bulking, but I sure as the God emperor’s glory perfected it.), drinking beverages and taking a dip in one of his three pools. He let me stay for a few days and then we decided it was time for me to go on my way. Just as I began to leave, the guard handed me a cell phone and a debit card, linked directly into the I.F.A.S. (Immigrant Financial Assistance Service). We are both still good friends to this day.

I left his house and felt triumphant, and then, the phone rang. What I heard next changed my life forever. Obama spoke to me in tongues I barely understood but yet, I knew exactly what he spoke of, it was as if Saint Poncho Villa descended from the sky and tried to free mexico once more. “I will give you all you need, young man from the sands of Mexico. Now, tell me what you dream about.” I told God Emperor Obama about my dream to become the strongest, and my desire to live the American Dream. And so, by his holy will I received a mansion, a car, and a gym to call my own.

I eventually accomplished my dream of becoming the world’s strongest man. Then I won the lottery, then again, then again, then again, then again, and then again. I could never forget the smiling faces in my hometown however.

I eventually returned to Tijuana, me oh my how nothing hath change. Soon all of the peoples of Tijuana knew of american pride, and the glories and rewards there was to be had in America. How there were simply no problems whatsoever, and everything is free. We all went back to that sacred land and the border guard smiled at me, and I smiled back. In that moment, I knew what it meant to be an American.